....

It's 2:02am. I've never felt like this; well I haven't felt like this in awhile. All those feelings, and thoughts are coming back. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I don't really know what to say, or if there really was anything to say in the first place. I've realized that I've made one of the hugest mistakes in my life and that was trusting people again.... I hate it! Never again will I trust someone, or will I change my mind?? I know not trusting anyone is the best decision, but why will it be so hard when it comes to terms?? I've once again gotten attached to someone, trusted them, and let them become a "role-model/mother figure" in my life and then BAM!!They practically betrayed me, blew me off, whateverr you want to call it..eventually she's leaving...I just know it!!....I'm hurt...It hurts....I'm lost and alone...againn...but I think I like it this way....

xoxo
-T

Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! I know I'm a little late, sorry. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! I hate to change the mood, but my Christmas (invovling food) was.....eeeeh! I know I've gained sooo much, I'm now even more afraid to look at the scale or even measure myself::/ I looked in the mirror today, like actually looked, and bam! It hit me! I realized who I have become. A digusting, ugly, person! I look horrible, I'm embarrassed to even wear "normal" clothes. I guess I'm sticking to my sweatpants, shorts, and huge t-shirts for awhile. To make matters worse though, I have a photoshoot coming in January!!! FREAKED OUT!! I don't know how I'm going to lose the lbs!! I'm excited very much though for the New Year. New Year, New Me, isn't that what it's like every year. I do have a proposition to start dieting/restriciting again, I don't know how it's going to combine with basketball, but we'll make it work. Oh well, I will be back, I hope, till next time...
xoxo
-T

Reasons "Why"

1) Perfection
2) I'll perform better (sports)
3) Grades
4) To feel accepted
5) Modeling
6) Attention
7) Control
8) Happiness
9) Popularity
10) Beauty
11) I want to look in the mirror and not feel/look disgusting
12) Better lifestyle
13) I want clothes to come off the rack and look good on me
14) I want to feel pretty
15) I want to be loved
16) Will power
17) Strength
18) I don't want to be "average" anymore

For the new year I hope to change my lifestyle. I hope to turn things around and become "me" again. I miss the "old days" I can do this!

xoxo
-T

137.

There isn't much to say here. Except that I realize that I have let myself out of control. I'm losing my mind. Nothing is right, nothing is the same. It seems as though I turn every corner and find something wrong. Lately, school has been hell. I can't seem to make things "seem" easier, (ie math,english) in other words, its as though I'm not "smart" anymore, and my mind basically is only on one thing...eat something! I hate it. I'm so distracted. I can't seem to make a descent grade(A) without failing:( I'm sure none of this makes sense, but it does to me. On the bright side I'm willing to work much harder!  Just about 10 minutes ago I was trying on clothes to what I would wear tomorrow to school, and well I must say, I'm pretty disgusting. My pants are too tight, my shirts are too little, and I just cant bear to look in the mirror. I feel like a totally different person, and I hate it. Ha, the worst part, I weigh 137 pounds. I have NEVER weighed this much in my entire life. I weigh as much as a woman that has had kids! :( I'm beyond lost. Now I know why people hate me; why things are so much harder.. I really do hate myself! Gahh!

xoxo
-T

Am I ready?

Though the title has nothing to do with the concept of this post, it was the first thing that pop into my little brain. I have numerous amounts of things that I want to say,but idk. First, I must say that I still have not been doing what I'm supposed to. I have no confidence what so ever, how can you be a model with no confidence?? I got an email from my manager, asking me when I am ready to shoot. That scares me,plus the fact that she wants me to measure myself. I am in no shape or form, to model. Am I ready?

I absolutely need to start doing what needs to be done. I need to research modeling campaigns, walks, looks,ect. Also, I need to excersise. I haven't done my pilates in ages.:( Also, I have gained tons! TONS! Today I tried restricting once more, and I'll admit I did pretty well until I ate my carbs. Ritz crackers. Worst binge food ever. Then of course I had more and more junk. Anyways, I am willing to make tomorrow a great day. I want to feel beautiful and successful again:)
Wish me luck!
xoxo
-T

I can't stand to "BE" myself much more!

So, the other night I guess you could say I was on the vurge(sp?) of killing myself. I have no clue what was going on, but frankily I'm not afraid to admit it, but I have no regrets. I feel like there is no sense of hope.

I just sat here and ate a whole bag of cotton candy. How the (heck) does someone feel guilty about getting fat and then goes and eats (crap)....I guess it's "emotional" eating?! Anyways, so I've realized things have gotten really worse since the whole "recovery" start. I hate it. I don't know what to do, or how many times I need to tell myself that this IS NOT me! I have seen things change. Before, I was pretty, I was well kept, I was actually somewhat close to skinny, I had friends, I was smart..(all A's) peopel liked me,  teachers liked me, strangers thought I was gorgeous, I was closer to modeling for the "famous" people...I was a person other people wanted to be. And I miss it, even if it did cause suffering, it was the good kind of suffering.. What does it take?? I am the only person that can control what I eat and when I eat, but my "healthy" mind thinks it can over rule, who's right!

Tomorrow, my plan is to work on control!

-T

"Sometimes; All the time, I wish my life would end"

Feeling of Hope

Sadly, I haven't been blogging as much as I should. It's supposed to help me with this Eating Disorder, atleast writing my journal is, according to my counselor, but I can't seem to write my emotions all down...Anyways, suprisingly, I've been getting these amazing self-control thoughts back. I honestly believe that I CAN change things around. This year I'm playing volleyball and I'm a lot happier playing, than I am with basketball. (Some people ask, " how do you play so many sports and not eat?) Simple, I want it bad enough, so I have the strength,plus what's the point of eating and getting fat, and being imperfect?? Speaking of imperfection, I've noticed that since last year( before I was forced to "recover") that things were A LOT better, I mean I was a lot smarter, less tired(but still tired in a different way), people liked me, I was pretty, I was might I add, skinnier than I am now, and all around a better person. I could say I don't know what to do, but then I would be lying.

Anyways, this year has started out to be a total disaster, except for the "abnormal" thoughts. I really want this so bad. "Who would want their eating disorder back?" some people would say, but they DO NOT understand, and never will! I have to admit, I miss some parts of my ED and some parts are do not. I definately do miss the feeling of control and perfection! I want it so bad! I get so hungry during 3rd block, it's ridiculous, before I could go ALL day, ALL week and not feel one bit of hunger pang. What's happened?? I'm really beginning to do better at binging! The other day, I had this urge to just go purge(vomit)! Yeah, I know it's bad, but it's the only thing I got left...Plus cutting, but after my last incident I don't know if I'll be cutting as often. Good news is, I saw my counselor for the last time last Friday:) I'm very EXCITED now, I don't have to worry about lying or telling the truth or people being up my butt! Anyways, I just felt like blogging and ranting on... I'm really feeling strong again!

Oh, before I forget. In English we are writing short stories, and I'm writing about my ED and journey, but I'm leaving a litte stuff out. My main purpose is to basically just try to remind myself what it was like, and how I LOVED seeing those numbers drop, and realizing how many calories(good) I ate! Good luck, I just hope my teacher doesn't think I'm even more crazier than I actually am:p

-T


*Anyone with an eating disorder knows how it feels*

-Here's something I found on a website that I wanted to share. I love it so much, and it makes me stronger every time I read it.

"People think its simple. To not eat. Something we each do every single day of our lives to stay alive.



Most think its an easy habit to cut out of your life - that its the "easy way out" to starve yourself.






Anyone with an ED will beg to differ.






When this obsession controls your life and you find yourself trapped - its far from easy. Its the hardest life to live - as an Ana/Mia.


Your mind controls you - every day is a battle between instinct and willpower.






I look in the mirror and see someone that disgusts me. Starving myself makes me feel alive, makes me appreciate beauty and love myself. Love myself up until that point where I cave in and open my mouth for a bite. Just one bite - a bite that throws my self worth and self respect completely off the table.






The world in general likes to look down on people with Eating Disorders - and feel sympathy for the obese. How is that ok???






Us that walk around nearly passing out from weakness in an attempt to find beauty for ourselves - not the world - for our own happiness - and people judge us. The fat person gulping down meds has to be sympathized for "shame honey, don't call her fat". That's not fair.


Its their choice to become so obese, and its ours to limit our food.






This is a constant battle for me, every single day, and its not something a healthy diet will cure or some counseling will fix - this I my reality.


My best friend...Ana"

Back to the beginning!

Well what do you know. I'm a weak failure. Ha, I wish I could stop the self pity but i guess not. So, I've realized there are a lot of skinny people in my school who also play sports in other words they are perfect. Seems like I'm becoming more lazy and fat! While everyone is getting pretty and skinny including the teachers I'm getting fat! I'm not sure what to do, I weighed myself today and I'm back where I started. It seems like my mind is somewhere else and not on the fact that I'm not supposed to be eating until after ive ate. I hate this. I seriously need to get myself together. Losing weight has never never hurt anyone. Sad thing is seeing people who play the same sports as me aren't huge. Therefore it's possible to be perfect I just need to find it in myself and fast before school starts. It isn't very hard. I was thinking about doing a no/low carb diet. Yeah, I know the effects but I don't care right now. Anything is possible. My main issue is finding the motivation to exercise on the side again after practices and diet! I'm so anxious and I have so many thoughts racing through my head that I can't write/type them all down, which is frustrating! Anyways, I WILL lose weight, I WILL lose 20+lbs! It starts today!

-T

Debating..

Hey,
So I'm in a depressive mood, I think. My cousin died a few days ago, suicide, and well I miss him. Plus I hate seeing my family hurt this bad. Considering he killed himself, because he just couldn't take it anymore( he had cancer) it has me thinking, what if things would be better off  I was dead?? So, I'm not sure what to do, not sure what's keeping me from going upstairs and getting it done. I feel like his spirit is here, fighting with me, not to do it! But I don't know. And, I'm doing horrible, with eating.I'm definitely not ready to give up on being perfect and beautiful,but right now, I'm a completely fat,ugly, disaster. And frankly, I'm ready to give up on LIFE!

Late night guilt trip, yippee!

So, earlier today there were several comments made out of "sarcasm" that I was fat and ugly! Therefor, anyone that is 125 or more is completely fat! According to the smartest person in th e world! Anyways, of course I went on a guilt trip because I shouldn't be upset because I know it's true and I yet try to change that, even though I have to before school starts. So then I commented on my friends picture trying to be nice. I said she was model material, though she's short and isn't model material( yes I lied, I was being nice!) anyways I said it mainly because she's super skinny and well that's the only thing that's keeping from being big! basically! So, now I'm on a even bigger guilt trip, and of course i don't want to eat, but I know I will because of emotions! Weak bitch! Plus I was told I needed to crawl in a hole and die. I didn't need to be told twice!

Average, No, FATTER than ever!

For the past week or so I have family in from NE. Surprisingly, I have been unusually happy, but also out of control. I have been eating like there's no tomorrow, and I mean that literally. Everything has been fine, I mean I have notice that I have been expanding, but it didn't hit me until today. But before we get into that, one of my bestest friends(one I met on some "pro-ana" site) was sent away.:( I should be depressed, but I'm not and I don't know why. Anyways, back to today. So I go shopping (something I shouldn't do) but I got 2 tops and a dress, Large. They fit me like mediums! I have NEVER been a large, WTF. Then I got a shirt in my size(Med) and it feels too tight, WTF! So, I have realized, I'm seriously getting fat. All my (big) friends are getting smaller, while I'm getting fatter. This isn't good. AT ALL! I am supposed to be a model. It's bad enough I can't do runway yet. So I figured I'd start a cleansing diet thing,too bad I don't know any and I've never done one, but what the heck. I'm starting to feel suicidal, mmmm maybe I should get it over with??? I seriously need to take action, I can't give up, I have to get ready to look my best, make all A's, and be perfect at my sports. I can't afford to lose myself. Oh I got told I have a butt, before I didn't have according to people, and now it's changed. That's Not good. Therefore, I AM getting fat and eating TOO much. God! I haven't stepped on the scale yet, or measured myself(I'm supposed to for my manager) I guess I'll lie and then get back on track.But I need to do something and FAST. As I was saying, I might cut soon because of the numbers I'll see. I seriously think I have some major binging issues. HELP!

Full of Shit*

Ha! So Happy 4th of July! I guess is  what I'm supposed to say, and seem "happy." Honestly, for the first time in a while, I felt "good" inside, like I belonged somewhere. That was only with my friends. Thing is my mother told me I was "full of shit!" And those words brought back every single "bad" thought. At that  moment in time, I didn't want to do ANYTHING, except die! I mean for someone else to say it, it's one thing, but my own mother?! So, now I have to get myself together and realize, before when I was so close to perfection, EVERYTHING was okay. And now, because I'm fat and ugly, and imperfect I'm nothing.  Also, my "too educated of an uncle" has figured out that I cut. He asked my mom if she watched me two hours after I eat, and he believes I'm "anorexic". My mom quote says " If she doesn't eat that's up to her" well last time I checked, she threatened to put me in a treatment center! WTF, freaking hypocrite. I've realized I can no longer trust people because when I do they all are taken away from me.
                                                       -T

"I'm nothing, I know! You don't have to tell me twice"

Anxiety....Thoughts

Hey,
So for the past two days, I've been really busy and really tired. I've binged and binged for FOREVER,and I'm tired of it, but it's not "binging" anymore, it's literally like emotional eating. Not sure how to reverse this whole thing. I feel disgusted with myself, and I can definitely see why no one wants to have anything to do with me. So, my anxiety is back. First, it was finding out that my closes friend, that I met on a ED website, is more than likely going to be leaving for inpatient. The news made me anxious, and kinda alone. It made me feel like, "what am I going to do!" I'll be lost, alone, again. I've realized there's no point in trusting anyone or letting anyone in, because all they do is leave me. Yes, I know it isn't her fault, but I don't want to be alone again. It's probably hard for others to understand, but we're honestly like sisters. I trust her more than anyone. Also, I've been becoming stressed out and anxious over school. Even though we have like 3 or so weeks before we go back, but just thinking about everything, and all the sports I'm doing, knowing that I will be done work a grade level up from me, driving, trying to get a car, making sure my mindset is right, thinking about making straight A's. I don't know if I can live if I don't make a good impression, make straight A's, or keep up my "personal/mind" rep. Plus, I'm having a cookout/fishing thing with my friends on Monday, for the 4th. I'm happy, no, I feel "iffy" about the situation.

Anyways, I seriously need to get myself, and my thoughts together before the beginning of school.  The one happy thing that did happen today, is the fact that I found laxatives in my bathroom medicine cabinet. Another thing that kinda almost struck an anxiety attack is that, when I go back to school, I won't have anyone there to be that "comfort" zone, because every has left, because I've what I haven't done. I can feel my OCD coming back to it's "strongest" point. Now everything has to be done once I think of it, and it has to be done in a specific order, or I will literally freak! And lastly, I stepped on the scale with ONE foot, and it read 137lbs, as soon as I saw it go up that far, I immediately stepped off. I'm taking the chance of weighing myself tomorrow, if I can. Ha,wish me luck!

                                                                         -T
The voice in my head: "Your a fat, disgusting failure. No one wants you. Your horrible, you honestly have no reason of being here. You make me sick. Everyone hates you. Just take a look at yourself, at the scale, the measurements. Everyone leaves you because your not perfect, and you never will be because your fat, lazy, don't work hard enough and are a mistake.Your mother hates you, your friends hate you, EVERYONE hates you! You have NO ONE!! Not good enough. Plain and Simple. If you died today ,no one would even notice. Your no one. You'll never be a model, a doctor nothing because your NOTHING. A piece of sh*t, that's what you are. If you were perfect, your life would be so much better, but guess what, ha! YOUR NOT!  Your a fat cow, that doesn't belong here."


The mirror: "Your fat, ugly, disgusting, weak, lazy, gigantic, imperfect."

I wanna say it's going to be different.

Ha, well today was just like any other day. Horrible. I woke up this morning, and went to volleyball camp. I enjoyed the most part of that because I had some strength. I had only 70cals, and I thought maybe I could go home and do even better. Well who would have thought that I would be sitting in Hardee's parking lot eating the rest of my unhealthy, packaged lunch! No telling how much that all was together. Anyways I went to bible school afterwards and got a little work out but I was wore out from volleyball. Anyways I got home and I tried on a t-shirt I had got (size small) and I asked my grandmother how'd it fit. Well what do you know, she told me it was tight. That triggered a lot. I had a temper and was yelling asking her how, and why and she kept telling me I needed a bigger size. Of course, I broke down crying, feeling sorry for myself(as usual) and decided I was going to take a shower and cut myself until I got it through my head that I'm a fat/ugly/stupid/worthless/invisible/untrustworthy/lazy/selfish/ignorant/annoying/obnoxious/obese person and no one would ever like me, or treat me right until I was perfect. My mom then came home before I could sneak the razor from blade from her bathroom to mine, so I waited. So as the time went by, I realized that I have emotional eating issues(of course) but it's kinda the opposite. Now, I eat when ever I'm upset, instead of restricting, so my thing is trying to find a way to reverse it. Of course, I got in the shower and cut, though it didn't get that "relief" that I was looking for, I tried to tell myself, that I would continue dealing with the pain until I learned. So now I'm sitting here writing this blog, trying to think of ways to "train" myself.


I can feel my depression lurking around in my mind (if that makes any sense), but I have to admit, I love the fact knowing that it's there, and I hope, it grows. I have also realized that, coming home and going straight to my room, taking a shower and completely ignoring everything and everyone, IS the best thing ever, and is a possible way to reverse what that psychopath counselor is doing to my mind. 


Plus, I looked at myself in the mirror (unclothed) and measured myself(if I haven't mentioned that) and I am a WOPPING,


W- 25"
H- 35 1/2"
T- 20 (fat cow)"


Obviously, if I keep going at the rate I'm going I will never be perfect, simple as that!
                                                      -T
"After everyday I fail, which is mostly everyday, I say tomorrow I will take a step, and that step with be the one. I will be stronger. It will be better. I will eat less. I will weigh less. I will be perfect. Tomorrow comes, and failure is written across my back. When will it be different?" 


"I thought about suicide today. I think about it everyday. The thought gets stronger with every move I make.Every bite I take and with every pound I gain. One day, will I have the courage to take action?" 

My Story.

So I'm laying here and it is 11:27pm. I could go into deep details and explain everything that has happened within the past 6months or so, but unfortunately I have to be up pretty early tomorrow morning. I do have a lot to explain, so you guys don't get confused.

Four years ago, I guess was when things started getting "different" for me. It was 6th grade.  I was a chubby little chipmunk, and one day a boy decided to pick on me and call me fat and ugly, and he told me no one would ever want me. Not only did those words have something to do with my "new diet", but the effect of parents kinda had a part in it too. I was born out of wedlock. My mom was only 17 when she had me and my dad 18. Well a year after I was born my dad left, and I found myself with a new brother. Some time I got news that my dad had ran off somewhere and got in trouble with the law. Drugs or Guns, or something another. I really don't care. Anyways, back to 6th grade. Well I decided to prove him wrong, and I started a "innocent, new diet" as I called it. I decided that basketball was going to be my exercise and that I'd cut out most junk foods, and eat as health as I could and only eat dinner. Well I lost some weight of course, even though I still got picked on. Anyways, 7th grade came around, and I hit puberty. Yeah I grew taller, got a tad bit smaller, yada , yada. I was 117lbs, or fat! Though that was my lowest weight, I still looked fat! So, I hated my 7th grade year, I felt like a stupid, wild, crazy, horrible, ugly, fat, kid who no one liked to be around including my parents. At the time my mom was working a lot, and partying so I spent most of the time with my grandparents, who really never did much.  I got teased, and hated by the "popular" group. I wanted to be like them, or even better than them. They seemed so perfect. I wanted to have the right hair, clothes, shoes. I wanted to make perfect grades, and a perfect person, so other would like me. Well I decided, that high school would be the change of me.

That summer, I decided to cut out even more. I didn't really realize what was going on, I mean who does. I ate A LOT more healthier, I exercised more, and lost  a lot, but the number went up. Yes, I had thoughts of, your fat, you'll never be like the "popular" people, ect. I think that summer may have also been the time where I had the idea of modeling in my mind, nothing big though. Anyways, I said that high school would be a new start. To change myself. I'd be beautiful, smart, funny, quiet, and everyone would love me. Well, most of it happened, or maybe little of it. My eighth grade year, was kinda the "tester" year. I have to admit, that is when I had more knowledge and I started realizing what I was doing. That was when I started, writing down my calorie intake, exercising more and more, weighing myself, and measuring myself. I was so happy I could be this strong and in control, and no one ever suspected anything. I asked all kinds of questions in health, got extra information here and there and I felt super smart, because I was tip toeing around everyone, I felt like no one would EVER know. I also, started finding that my idea of modeling could come true, if I were MORE perfect. *Plus, that's when I found out "thinspiration"  and "pro-ana" sites existed. At the end of 8th grade, I realized, my ninth grade year would be the "Perfection" year, and so it was.

The summer before 9th grade, I was working super hard. Planning out everything. My "eating issues" (as I like to call them) got stronger, and better. I loved it to death! I didn't care how bad I felt, something had taken over and whatever it was, was my addiction. I started looking, and booking "thinspiration" more, exercising(up to 3 hours), eating less( one meal a day, or at least 800 or < a day)  , I became obsessed with weighing and measuring myself, checking myself in the mirror every hour, I became more secluded in a way. The first day of school, I felt stronger than ever. My first semester went by great, as it went by I would eat up to 500cals, or less a day, while playing basketball. Even once I got home for practice, I'd exercised more. I was writing EVERYTHING I ate, it got down to candy, drinks, gum, also I'd write down my exercising, weight, measurements, all that. Ninth grade was also the year, my anxiety, depression, and OCD got worse. I never was "anxious free". I worried about EVERY little thing. If something wasn't perfect to my standards( which are pretty harsh) then I'd freak out. I would get, depressed, unhappy a lot of times; Everything in anything I did had to be perfect, neat, straight. If anyone changed anything, I'd freak out. I had to get all A's (that started with my mom forcing me to, because I didn't play volleyball)  and if I didn't I'd go to the bathroom and cry.  I could go on, but I won't, I'll make things short.

So second semester rolls around, and that's when everything started. Teachers, "friends", coaches, nurses, and even the guidance counselors were starting to suspect stuff. They had caught on to my habits. My sugar had dropped twice, once at school, and once at home( it started when I'd eat 300cals a day). My mom would be called ALL the time. (Oh I forgot to mention, before second semester, I made the mistake by talking to the guidance counselor, about how I'd get depressed and want to kill myself, and so that started with me going to see a counselor) Anyhow, I'd always be called to the guidance office, nurse's office, ect, because something wasn't right. I do believe I had to get my "vital" signs checked, twice at school. I had an anxiety attack too in Spanish class! Anyways, people were beginning to say " She looks TOO thin", "Fragile", my coaches would say " I can't play her, because she's a zombie", or "I'm too afraid she'll pass out on the court", friends would say, "I'm worried about you, you look pale, or sad",my mom was too busy with her own life, so she believed anything I said, and wasn't worried about what others were saying. So finally, I guess it got to the point to when I'd get sick a lot, or I'd blackout that people took action. ( I forgot to mention, I had to be monitored in the guidance office one time, to make sure I ate lunch so I wouldn't pass out before a big game) So one day, the teachers/mom/gma/guidance had a surprise intervention with me. Of course you know how it goes, and so I saw my counselor more and more( I still do to this day) and that's when things went downhill. I actually started talking because I wanted people to leave me alone, well that was a BIG mistake. It was like I gave her something to come in my mind and break down my wall, that kept me from everyone. Well I didn't like it, and I still don't. Now I eat like an average  FAT person. At the point in time that I was SUPERLY strong ^ I weighed around 122-125 depending on the day. Well now that I let the wonderful  bitch of a counselor in my mind and let her tear down my wall, I am now a FAT 135lbs!! And I feel lost. I'm not sure what to do. Hopefully, by the end of this summer, I will be back to the almost PERFECT me:) ...

*NOTE-  I do not encourage or fully support "pro-ana" or "thinspiration".  I believe that "pro-ana", yes is something for people with EDs, but also is something that does encourage young girls to develop an ED who really don't know what it's like, and to think it's okay to have one because everyone does and it'll make you "cool", having an ED is not ''cool". Also, I don't like really using the term "thinspiration" it's just another thing to make it seem "cool" I will admit, I have been on pro ana sites, only to find some support from real people that talk about their real EDs. I no longer use "pro-ana" sites though, or "thinspiration", yes I have picture of skinny people, (role models) that I'd love to look like to give me encouragement, but it's nothing different then what I have had before

Btw, I forgot to mention that somewhere in between, 1st and 2nd semester in 9th grade I started cutting. Due to, my "eating issues" being uncovered. I don't like saying I have an EDs, because it's not something I'm proud of neither am I proud of cutting,  but it is something that makes me feel "good" inside. Also, at one point in time, (once I was discovered) I started making myself vomit. I mostly started when I started gaining weight. It's nothing (progressive) because half the time, I don't succeed, but when I'm really upset I some how find my fingers stuck down my throat. 

I mean I'm not fully "recovered" as my counselor, and others think I am because I still have my ED sick mind, that I love. It knows me more than anyone and can make me feel better. I don't want to change, because there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I could never get "too" thin, as they call it. I want to be perfect, yes, because they also want me to be perfect and I want to make that happen. I'm going in to 10th grade, and I want to make this year even MORE better than last. The only way though,first, is to some how change and throw away EVER good shitty thought my counselor has poured into my mind. My thoughts are screwed up! I have one voice telling me, things were better before everyone butted in our relationship, and another telling me "get better" well guess what, I don't like that second voice, and it's time to get rid of it! Thing is, I need to find the will power and control I had before. 

                                                                                  -T