...

I don't do it to lose weight, or to be skinny. I want to be 'different', a different person. I want to have my own perfect, fantasy world. I want to have some sense of 'control'...to be renewed and refreshed. I want to leave this place as perfect as I can be and not ever have to worry about anything again.\
xoxo

-T

blank....

I came here tonight because I thought I wanted to blog. Then all of a sudden, I just didn't have any interest. I think there's something wrong with me...Haha, did I really just say that?? Okay, let's try this again:...I know there's somehing wrong with, actually have known it for awhile. The past few days I have been really, hyperactive, restless almost and now I can just feel my mood declining. I feel as though, I'm unwanted. I am a misfit. I seem to not belong anywhere, and I'm tired of faking like everything is perfect. I honestly feel like this little "puzzle" I've put together is starting to fall apart. No longer do I go about my business and actually.....think everything is okay. Now it's different. I go just about everday, pretending...then when I'm alone, and I have the time to ponder, I realize...there's no point in pretending anymore, because...it's pretty obvious. So, what do I do? I surely do hate not being accepted, or included, or apart of something/someone.....

Off subject, I miss my ED....I miss the "feeling" of everything from two years ago...is that unusual? I feel myself bouncing back and forth between feelings/actions...I don't feel anything, then I do (never good feelings). I feel myself relaspsing back into my ED....maybe...I'm actually a bit confused, a bit numb...I do feel like I have no purpose. And that everyone is judging me....Anyways, I guess I'll lay here and stare at my ceiling fan (seems to be my best, and only hobby)...I'll ponder...I'll watch myself and see what happens next
xoxo

-T

and it will never seige....

    I'm starting to believe it was never really mean't for me to have "something" to call mine, or to have "friends"...In other words, it was mean't for me to be alone and depressed. No one seems to understand me, or atleast my mother doesn't. I'm a screw up; something is wrong with me. I can't even feel accepted by my own mother. Constantly, I'm always being critiqued...Always throwing something in my face that's not right. I want to leave, runaway in fact...get away from everything and everyone. I'm a misfit, I will never be "understood"...I'm alone, I hurt, I'm sad, I'm misunderstood and yet...it's okay, it was mean't for me to be that way.

Not sure if this is something that should be taken to a therapist, I've thought about it, but in the end.... I'm just abnormal, and just not mean't to be human......scratch that, not mean't to be here.

-T

Numbness...again

Hello,
I'm pretty embarrassed; I haven't blogged in forever! I just logged into my "blogspot" for the first time in over six months, wow! For those of you who care, there hasn't really been any "progress" in my life. I seem to always find a way to "screw something up." I've returned to some old habits, unhealthy habits. I can't say I'm ashamed, but at the same time I am. Don't you hate it when you know you doing/thinking "bad" things, when you're supposed to be "positive", not sure if that made sense...Anyhow, lately, I've been stressed out, different reason, they're probably not as important to any of you as they are to me. Guess that's typical. I've been having my emotional "roller coaster" rides... One day I'm sure happy, spastic, then the next I'm just kinda "me" and then one day I might just be utterly "depressed" or angry....mmm, oh and I can't forget about that "numb" feeling. Guess you could say that's what I'm feeling now, I'm just "here"..not really "feeling" anything. I don't know, it's hard to explain, guess I should go back to seeing my "crazy doctor" again?.... I started cutting, for different reasons. Oh yeah, I used to cut, for some of you who don't know...., anyways....but now, I'm doing it to "feel" something....I don't its, "insane?" the way my mind thinks... Not really sure what this "blog" was about, it's not like it was really important to anyone...Just needed to "write" something down...I thought maybe it'd help, guess it didn't.. Take care!

xoxo

-T



The past still hurts, ayy

Hey lovelies,
It's been awhile since I've blogged. I can almost say I miss it. I sometimes wonder though if there is anyone really out there who reads my post. My "mother" as I hate to call her, just came home from the beach. I have to say I've had a happy, stress free time with her away. A couple of days ago I made cookies and burnt myself; tonight when I showed her what I did she decided to remark on my past. I hate to re-live it but...guess that's not an option anymore. "You didn't enjoy the pain" I don't know if she mean't for it to be a statement, or question. That set me off. I could just feel the old me coming back. I didn't know wether to be sad, or mad. I acted as so I didn't hear her and went on with the story and yet she still remarks on the past. "Well, guess it'll look like your wrist, you shouldn't mind" I don't know if she knows that it's not something I care to just "laugh off." That's definately not it..I got up and walked away and she stands there stopping me from running away. I guess running away isn't the answer for everytthing,but wouldn't you have wanted to be alone? Anyways, she said she was sorry, "I shouldn't have said that" blaah blah blah...I don't care, move out of my way!

As I sit here, I don't know what to think, or say.... I just know that what I've been through, I regret it at times, I'm ashamed. I wish I could forget. I want to cry, but I don't want to show my weakness. I want to be strong and stand up to my "feelings/thoughts" I'm not a victim to them anymore. I wish I could take it all back. There's times where I don't even see the scars until someone says some thing. Why is it this hard? Anyways, I guess you could say this was a rant, but I felt the need to "let things out"...
Take Care!

xoxo
-T

...Good evening...
I just got home not too long ago from basketball practice. There was something said that arised old memories, thoughts, pain, words,ect. I was called "tubby" Words hurt, especially if you have a sick mind like me.

I'm still alive and kicking, though sometimes I wish I wasn't. I've slowly creeped down into a depression state. All I want to do is sleep...sleep...sleep....and well....I guess never wake up to be honest. I feel worthless, and lazy, and fat, and just a plain screw up... Things seem to always get worse, and the odds are never in my favor. I know this seems weird, but I feel like I'm relaspsing, I want to...I know that's "sick" to say, but I want my old ED life back where people cared, but no one saw that I was wasting away, gahh...it's hard to explain, but I'm tired of ALWAYS eating, and being fat, and lazy, and stupid...I want to change for the better. I've been cut free for about 2 weeks...:) Im actually happy about that, because I hate seeing the scars and feeling the guilt afterwards...
At this moment, I'm speechless and there really isn't much left to say.....

xoxo
-T

I want the pain gone

Not too long ago, I got out of the shower, but before that I cut myself....after I promised not to....Ha, yeah.no! Before that, my mother and I got in a fuss over prom..She called me selfish, and basically told me she was done and I always want things handed to me,yadayada..Haha...It hurts so bad. Thing is, my mom came in the bathroom and opened the curtain (thinking she was gonna find me slitting my wrist) but I had already done it...Oh well..She practically called me weak. I'm clueless now. And I'm over it. I wish I would fall asleep and never awake.

I've come to terms that everything is falling apart, because of me. I AM a horrible person, I have this feeling that God mad a mistake when he created me. You know how they say "there's always something good that comes out of something bad" well not here anyways. I have nothing in my life..."good" I can never be liked, or accepted; I'll probably never get into college; never model for a famous designer; never be perfect. Everywhere I look everyone seems to have it all. Everyone has their Dad in their lives, supporting them, they have to never worry about expenses, they make all A's like there's no tomorrow, they are quiet, skinny, pretty, talented, in their on perfect way and then I look at me and I have nothing. I let myself go. No longer do I make all A's; am pretty; skinny; "close" to perfection; liked; quiet; accepted; talented...NOTHING! I have no one..My dad is gone, and I practically don't have a "mother" just more of a "parental guardian"...

There's so much to explain, but its hard to. I just...I wish it were easy....I wish I wouldn't have to run from the pain. I don't want to cut, I feel ashamed, but I hate the pain inside. I want to be strong,but that takes strength and courage, something I don't have!..

At this point, I know the right decision, and how to fix everything, so I guess the obvious thing to do is fix it,right?

xoxo
-T

Out of Control!

Lately, things have seem to slip away from me. I feel so weak. I have this feeling, that I have never felt before and I hate it! It's hard to explain, how I feel, I mean, its just gahh!! It's not necessarily, "Oh, things would be better without me", but it's kinda like that.

Beyond that, the fact that things, a lot of them to be exact, have changed, my life is miserable. I don't seem like the same person. Actually I'm not the same person. Before, I was this shy, quiet, soft-spoken, smart, pretty, thin, talented, responsible person, and I just don't seem or feel like it anymore. It's as if when people look at me they see a loud, fat,ugly, dumb, obnoxious, annoying, imperfect girl. I wish it weren't that way, but I just can't seem to help myself, nor change myself. I want to so bad, but it's so hard.

I want to wake up,feel fresh, free, perfect. I want to walk down the halls of my highschool, and hear things like " She's so pretty," "Has she lost weight?" "She's changed so much," "She's so sweet..." I miss hearing those things, and you know it's weird of me to say this, but I miss the stares....

I need to change! I KNOW I need to change! I HAVE to change for the better. I'm just confused. Deep down, in my mind, I'm telling myself, I can't start over, or I will never get to where I want to be because it's too late and I messed up the first time, but I KNOW truthfully, that if I stick my mind to it, and I remember ALL the GOOD things that will come, this can be accomplished. The best way I can think of starting "fresh" is doing a detox, and then going from there. So, the plan is....

After basketball season is over, I will do a detox, for atleast a week, and then start restricting, and exercising (abs,legs,ect) and then I will also need to work on my "personality", or what people think/see of me on the outside...Eeh, does that make any sense? I WILL do this...I CAN do this!

Stay Strong. Keep your head up.
xoxo
-T

I know I can do this

Deep down inside, I know, whole-heartedly, what I'm doing to myself, negatively. I know, I remember, what it felt like to be so close to perfection, and yet I refuse to use that sense of control. I know, that I have every bit of strength,determination,control, and self-will to do what I know is right. Its really not all that hard, considering its a "mind" thing. If I was able to get there before, I can do it again,right? All it takes is me. Everything is layed out infront of me, I just need to step up to the plate. I'm looking for something though, something to give me that push, but haven't I gotten enough "pushes" already? Yes! I have a interview with a modeling agent, THURSDAY!....and yet I failed to get my butt in gear! So what now? I need answers...How I'm feeling now, gross, slow, fat,disgusting, sure isn't pleasing, I want to feel "less"...I know I CAN do this, but something isn't letting me....I want to kick that wall down, and start my journey! The thing about that wall, it seems to be made out of concrete...and well, nothing I try is strong enough! So, tomorrow..oh what will tomorrow bring; another day of failure?..No, I have to think positive, and act as if I have that control and eventually it will come, right? So, I CAN do this, and tomorrow WILL be a good day:)
xoxo
-T

It hurts.....But it should!

What can I say. I'm a complete failure, and I will never amount to anything. I'm weak, imperfect, ugly, stupid, useless, fat, loud, obnoxious, worthless, eeh and the list could go on. I won't say my new year has been off to a good start because well, it hasn't. I've found a new friend, which I guess is the only good thing that comes out of it. I'm sitting here, blogging, hoping that it wil ease the pain, and make me realize what must be done, because idk...I want it sooo bad, but I can't seem to get myself in wraps! It takes 8 weeks for others to notice, and that's all that I want. I want people to know that I'm dying inside just to please them.....Or do I?? I don't know wether or not I'm doing this for me, or doing this for others...? (Please excuse any mistakes, it's hard to blog when you dont have your contacts or glasses on) Anyways, I'm a whopper, and I know it, others even know it to, they seem me! I started cutting again, and I must say, one day I just had this urge to cut, I wanted the pain....It's like a drug...Well I felt darn good, relieved afterwards, but gahh..though I wish I could just lay in bed ALL day and sob and cut til I was covered in blood, I have to get up every day, put on a fake me and go to school/practice and  "not" be myself......This sucks!

For some reason, for the first time in awhile, I wanted to die the other night....Its like, I want to cry so much, because I have all this stuck inside, but nothing comes out and it seems as if the only way to do it, is cut..but is it normal to feel disgusted afterwards?? Eeeh, idk...I dont care! I want to be something one day...Perfect...but will  I ever get there?? I could rant and rant about being this and that, but I can't change it if I dont start now!
xoxo
-T

Happy New Year!!

As I have already said above, Happy New Year!! I'm ready for 2012 to be a fresh start. I just have this feeling, the feeling I've been missing. Anyways, I'm excited because I start my diet plan of 800 a day, along with a workout.. I'm sitting here trying to not go off and binge! I want to eat all the junk downstairs right now, but I can't...I AM stronger than that! I will sit here and ponder!! Haha, I love my vocabulary:p, but anyways have a wonderful New Years day:)
xoxo
-T