A race with myself

For the past few days I have been uncertain with myself, or who I even am. It's like I can be sitting in a room full of people, but I'm not "in-touch" with my body...sort of like in another world, watching what's going on around me, but not actually "there" Sounds crazy. It's a hazy fog feeling. I feel "out of place. Sometimes its like I live in another world.

Lately, I've been in a race with myself almost. Trying to see how deep I can cut or how many pills I can take, or how far to extreme I can go. Unusual. I've been thinking about going to see another psychiatrist, but then I might just end up on crazy meds or in a mental institution. Maybe that's what I need. To go somewhere and find myself again....eeeh, that's okay.

I haven't been "me" lately. I have two worlds; three really. World A, equals my fantasy world. World B, equals hell pretty much, and world C equals what my life could/should be.

I constantly stay tired. It's like I never can get enough sleep. My school work is slipping. Im starting to just stare off into another world. I think all the time, about things that I usually dont remember. It reminds me of a hypnosis or something. Right now, I feel in a "in-between" mood. Not sad, but not happy, just here, in a fog. Not only am I tired, I stay irritable too. I blow up at people all the time for nothing. Like the other day, my grandmother came in and asked me "how was school?" I competely bitched at her. I hate it. I want the "loving" life.


xoxo
-T

SK

Writing is good for the soul? mind? I don't see how it helps me very much considering I don't take the time out to breathe, then write before doing any "damage." Lately I have been in a worldwind of confusion. It is like my life is a tornado that continues to destroy. I have been cuttting again, not as "manic" as usual, more of calm and neat. I'm sure the different "strategies" mean something, but what do I care?

I need to touch a new topic. A topic that I have questioned lately; the "#cutting4beiber" It sure is, dumb for people to cut themselves over some immature, famous, wild, confused boy. I think it is sick. Does that sound like a hypocrite? Anyways, people don't cut themselves for some dumb reason like that.

Anyways, I have been in a tornado with myself, my emotions, thoughts, God, and the Devil. Didn't know I was a firm believer did you? It doesn't make sense, I know...trust me! I don't really understand myself. I know why lately I have been cutting, suprisingly. I had met a friend along this life journey. I will refer to her as SK. Anyways, SK and I had become seemingly close. I learned to trust again. I trusted her. I believed her, I pretty much opened up to her. We connected because it was like she knew EXACTLY everything. I had finally thought maybe things would start to work out for me. Maybe I could figure out things, find answers. I would finally have a true, friend. I have to admit she is older than me, a lot older than me, but I still "looked" up to her. So, after giving everything up and way to her....things started changing. Now might I add, she trusted me, or so it seems. She revealed to me her whole life. I grew a STRONG attachment to her, I had warned her that this would happen. Well as soon as she noticed the attachment it was like she took my whole life with her and ran. I have to say it is like I am the biggest bitch she has ever met or something...like she wants me out of her life forever.

I feel hurt, extremely. All of my life I have been set up and then let down and abandoned...and she knew that! What the fuck?!! (pardon my language) Anyways, now she treats me as though I am the lowest of all lows. How can someone change like that, become such a different person? I am hurt! She knows EVERYTHING about me...the fact that she is over 18 I am afraid that she might go and say somethings to people that shouldn't be said....but anyways...she "knew" me, and how I felt about things...and she goes and is now treating me like....I don't exist...I am nothing to her anymore...all along it was fake....I am now afraid...intimidated...hurt...scared....

I want to confront her about it, but at the same time I don't want to become an even bigger fool. She was my only friend....or at least she had me believing...she gave me hope....I can't bear this pain...I feel emptier than ever! It hurts...It hurts somewhere, it has never hurt before....And what I believe is worse is that SK knows I'm hurting, and goes on as if she knows nothing...I've hit a breaking point......

She was my first "true friend"...the first person ever in my life that had made me feel I had a purpose, that at sometime it was going to be okay...someone who cared....someone who I didn't have to pretend...and it was all fake..I am a fool and forever will be....It actually hurts more than ever before....

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I don't do it to lose weight, or to be skinny. I want to be 'different', a different person. I want to have my own perfect, fantasy world. I want to have some sense of 'control'...to be renewed and refreshed. I want to leave this place as perfect as I can be and not ever have to worry about anything again.\
xoxo

-T

blank....

I came here tonight because I thought I wanted to blog. Then all of a sudden, I just didn't have any interest. I think there's something wrong with me...Haha, did I really just say that?? Okay, let's try this again:...I know there's somehing wrong with, actually have known it for awhile. The past few days I have been really, hyperactive, restless almost and now I can just feel my mood declining. I feel as though, I'm unwanted. I am a misfit. I seem to not belong anywhere, and I'm tired of faking like everything is perfect. I honestly feel like this little "puzzle" I've put together is starting to fall apart. No longer do I go about my business and actually.....think everything is okay. Now it's different. I go just about everday, pretending...then when I'm alone, and I have the time to ponder, I realize...there's no point in pretending anymore, because...it's pretty obvious. So, what do I do? I surely do hate not being accepted, or included, or apart of something/someone.....

Off subject, I miss my ED....I miss the "feeling" of everything from two years ago...is that unusual? I feel myself bouncing back and forth between feelings/actions...I don't feel anything, then I do (never good feelings). I feel myself relaspsing back into my ED....maybe...I'm actually a bit confused, a bit numb...I do feel like I have no purpose. And that everyone is judging me....Anyways, I guess I'll lay here and stare at my ceiling fan (seems to be my best, and only hobby)...I'll ponder...I'll watch myself and see what happens next
xoxo

-T

and it will never seige....

    I'm starting to believe it was never really mean't for me to have "something" to call mine, or to have "friends"...In other words, it was mean't for me to be alone and depressed. No one seems to understand me, or atleast my mother doesn't. I'm a screw up; something is wrong with me. I can't even feel accepted by my own mother. Constantly, I'm always being critiqued...Always throwing something in my face that's not right. I want to leave, runaway in fact...get away from everything and everyone. I'm a misfit, I will never be "understood"...I'm alone, I hurt, I'm sad, I'm misunderstood and yet...it's okay, it was mean't for me to be that way.

Not sure if this is something that should be taken to a therapist, I've thought about it, but in the end.... I'm just abnormal, and just not mean't to be human......scratch that, not mean't to be here.

-T

Numbness...again

Hello,
I'm pretty embarrassed; I haven't blogged in forever! I just logged into my "blogspot" for the first time in over six months, wow! For those of you who care, there hasn't really been any "progress" in my life. I seem to always find a way to "screw something up." I've returned to some old habits, unhealthy habits. I can't say I'm ashamed, but at the same time I am. Don't you hate it when you know you doing/thinking "bad" things, when you're supposed to be "positive", not sure if that made sense...Anyhow, lately, I've been stressed out, different reason, they're probably not as important to any of you as they are to me. Guess that's typical. I've been having my emotional "roller coaster" rides... One day I'm sure happy, spastic, then the next I'm just kinda "me" and then one day I might just be utterly "depressed" or angry....mmm, oh and I can't forget about that "numb" feeling. Guess you could say that's what I'm feeling now, I'm just "here"..not really "feeling" anything. I don't know, it's hard to explain, guess I should go back to seeing my "crazy doctor" again?.... I started cutting, for different reasons. Oh yeah, I used to cut, for some of you who don't know...., anyways....but now, I'm doing it to "feel" something....I don't its, "insane?" the way my mind thinks... Not really sure what this "blog" was about, it's not like it was really important to anyone...Just needed to "write" something down...I thought maybe it'd help, guess it didn't.. Take care!

xoxo

-T



The past still hurts, ayy

Hey lovelies,
It's been awhile since I've blogged. I can almost say I miss it. I sometimes wonder though if there is anyone really out there who reads my post. My "mother" as I hate to call her, just came home from the beach. I have to say I've had a happy, stress free time with her away. A couple of days ago I made cookies and burnt myself; tonight when I showed her what I did she decided to remark on my past. I hate to re-live it but...guess that's not an option anymore. "You didn't enjoy the pain" I don't know if she mean't for it to be a statement, or question. That set me off. I could just feel the old me coming back. I didn't know wether to be sad, or mad. I acted as so I didn't hear her and went on with the story and yet she still remarks on the past. "Well, guess it'll look like your wrist, you shouldn't mind" I don't know if she knows that it's not something I care to just "laugh off." That's definately not it..I got up and walked away and she stands there stopping me from running away. I guess running away isn't the answer for everytthing,but wouldn't you have wanted to be alone? Anyways, she said she was sorry, "I shouldn't have said that" blaah blah blah...I don't care, move out of my way!

As I sit here, I don't know what to think, or say.... I just know that what I've been through, I regret it at times, I'm ashamed. I wish I could forget. I want to cry, but I don't want to show my weakness. I want to be strong and stand up to my "feelings/thoughts" I'm not a victim to them anymore. I wish I could take it all back. There's times where I don't even see the scars until someone says some thing. Why is it this hard? Anyways, I guess you could say this was a rant, but I felt the need to "let things out"...
Take Care!

xoxo
-T