I can't stand to "BE" myself much more!

So, the other night I guess you could say I was on the vurge(sp?) of killing myself. I have no clue what was going on, but frankily I'm not afraid to admit it, but I have no regrets. I feel like there is no sense of hope.

I just sat here and ate a whole bag of cotton candy. How the (heck) does someone feel guilty about getting fat and then goes and eats (crap)....I guess it's "emotional" eating?! Anyways, so I've realized things have gotten really worse since the whole "recovery" start. I hate it. I don't know what to do, or how many times I need to tell myself that this IS NOT me! I have seen things change. Before, I was pretty, I was well kept, I was actually somewhat close to skinny, I had friends, I was smart..(all A's) peopel liked me,  teachers liked me, strangers thought I was gorgeous, I was closer to modeling for the "famous" people...I was a person other people wanted to be. And I miss it, even if it did cause suffering, it was the good kind of suffering.. What does it take?? I am the only person that can control what I eat and when I eat, but my "healthy" mind thinks it can over rule, who's right!

Tomorrow, my plan is to work on control!

-T

"Sometimes; All the time, I wish my life would end"

Feeling of Hope

Sadly, I haven't been blogging as much as I should. It's supposed to help me with this Eating Disorder, atleast writing my journal is, according to my counselor, but I can't seem to write my emotions all down...Anyways, suprisingly, I've been getting these amazing self-control thoughts back. I honestly believe that I CAN change things around. This year I'm playing volleyball and I'm a lot happier playing, than I am with basketball. (Some people ask, " how do you play so many sports and not eat?) Simple, I want it bad enough, so I have the strength,plus what's the point of eating and getting fat, and being imperfect?? Speaking of imperfection, I've noticed that since last year( before I was forced to "recover") that things were A LOT better, I mean I was a lot smarter, less tired(but still tired in a different way), people liked me, I was pretty, I was might I add, skinnier than I am now, and all around a better person. I could say I don't know what to do, but then I would be lying.

Anyways, this year has started out to be a total disaster, except for the "abnormal" thoughts. I really want this so bad. "Who would want their eating disorder back?" some people would say, but they DO NOT understand, and never will! I have to admit, I miss some parts of my ED and some parts are do not. I definately do miss the feeling of control and perfection! I want it so bad! I get so hungry during 3rd block, it's ridiculous, before I could go ALL day, ALL week and not feel one bit of hunger pang. What's happened?? I'm really beginning to do better at binging! The other day, I had this urge to just go purge(vomit)! Yeah, I know it's bad, but it's the only thing I got left...Plus cutting, but after my last incident I don't know if I'll be cutting as often. Good news is, I saw my counselor for the last time last Friday:) I'm very EXCITED now, I don't have to worry about lying or telling the truth or people being up my butt! Anyways, I just felt like blogging and ranting on... I'm really feeling strong again!

Oh, before I forget. In English we are writing short stories, and I'm writing about my ED and journey, but I'm leaving a litte stuff out. My main purpose is to basically just try to remind myself what it was like, and how I LOVED seeing those numbers drop, and realizing how many calories(good) I ate! Good luck, I just hope my teacher doesn't think I'm even more crazier than I actually am:p

-T


*Anyone with an eating disorder knows how it feels*

-Here's something I found on a website that I wanted to share. I love it so much, and it makes me stronger every time I read it.

"People think its simple. To not eat. Something we each do every single day of our lives to stay alive.



Most think its an easy habit to cut out of your life - that its the "easy way out" to starve yourself.






Anyone with an ED will beg to differ.






When this obsession controls your life and you find yourself trapped - its far from easy. Its the hardest life to live - as an Ana/Mia.


Your mind controls you - every day is a battle between instinct and willpower.






I look in the mirror and see someone that disgusts me. Starving myself makes me feel alive, makes me appreciate beauty and love myself. Love myself up until that point where I cave in and open my mouth for a bite. Just one bite - a bite that throws my self worth and self respect completely off the table.






The world in general likes to look down on people with Eating Disorders - and feel sympathy for the obese. How is that ok???






Us that walk around nearly passing out from weakness in an attempt to find beauty for ourselves - not the world - for our own happiness - and people judge us. The fat person gulping down meds has to be sympathized for "shame honey, don't call her fat". That's not fair.


Its their choice to become so obese, and its ours to limit our food.






This is a constant battle for me, every single day, and its not something a healthy diet will cure or some counseling will fix - this I my reality.


My best friend...Ana"