So, the other night I guess you could say I was on the vurge(sp?) of killing myself. I have no clue what was going on, but frankily I'm not afraid to admit it, but I have no regrets. I feel like there is no sense of hope.
I just sat here and ate a whole bag of cotton candy. How the (heck) does someone feel guilty about getting fat and then goes and eats (crap)....I guess it's "emotional" eating?! Anyways, so I've realized things have gotten really worse since the whole "recovery" start. I hate it. I don't know what to do, or how many times I need to tell myself that this IS NOT me! I have seen things change. Before, I was pretty, I was well kept, I was actually somewhat close to skinny, I had friends, I was smart..(all A's) peopel liked me, teachers liked me, strangers thought I was gorgeous, I was closer to modeling for the "famous" people...I was a person other people wanted to be. And I miss it, even if it did cause suffering, it was the good kind of suffering.. What does it take?? I am the only person that can control what I eat and when I eat, but my "healthy" mind thinks it can over rule, who's right!
Tomorrow, my plan is to work on control!
-T
"Sometimes; All the time, I wish my life would end"
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