blank....

I came here tonight because I thought I wanted to blog. Then all of a sudden, I just didn't have any interest. I think there's something wrong with me...Haha, did I really just say that?? Okay, let's try this again:...I know there's somehing wrong with, actually have known it for awhile. The past few days I have been really, hyperactive, restless almost and now I can just feel my mood declining. I feel as though, I'm unwanted. I am a misfit. I seem to not belong anywhere, and I'm tired of faking like everything is perfect. I honestly feel like this little "puzzle" I've put together is starting to fall apart. No longer do I go about my business and actually.....think everything is okay. Now it's different. I go just about everday, pretending...then when I'm alone, and I have the time to ponder, I realize...there's no point in pretending anymore, because...it's pretty obvious. So, what do I do? I surely do hate not being accepted, or included, or apart of something/someone.....

Off subject, I miss my ED....I miss the "feeling" of everything from two years ago...is that unusual? I feel myself bouncing back and forth between feelings/actions...I don't feel anything, then I do (never good feelings). I feel myself relaspsing back into my ED....maybe...I'm actually a bit confused, a bit numb...I do feel like I have no purpose. And that everyone is judging me....Anyways, I guess I'll lay here and stare at my ceiling fan (seems to be my best, and only hobby)...I'll ponder...I'll watch myself and see what happens next
xoxo

-T

and it will never seige....

    I'm starting to believe it was never really mean't for me to have "something" to call mine, or to have "friends"...In other words, it was mean't for me to be alone and depressed. No one seems to understand me, or atleast my mother doesn't. I'm a screw up; something is wrong with me. I can't even feel accepted by my own mother. Constantly, I'm always being critiqued...Always throwing something in my face that's not right. I want to leave, runaway in fact...get away from everything and everyone. I'm a misfit, I will never be "understood"...I'm alone, I hurt, I'm sad, I'm misunderstood and yet...it's okay, it was mean't for me to be that way.

Not sure if this is something that should be taken to a therapist, I've thought about it, but in the end.... I'm just abnormal, and just not mean't to be human......scratch that, not mean't to be here.

-T