So I'm laying here and it is 11:27pm. I could go into deep details and explain everything that has happened within the past 6months or so, but unfortunately I have to be up pretty early tomorrow morning. I do have a lot to explain, so you guys don't get confused.
Four years ago, I guess was when things started getting "different" for me. It was 6th grade. I was a chubby little chipmunk, and one day a boy decided to pick on me and call me fat and ugly, and he told me no one would ever want me. Not only did those words have something to do with my "new diet", but the effect of parents kinda had a part in it too. I was born out of wedlock. My mom was only 17 when she had me and my dad 18. Well a year after I was born my dad left, and I found myself with a new brother. Some time I got news that my dad had ran off somewhere and got in trouble with the law. Drugs or Guns, or something another. I really don't care. Anyways, back to 6th grade. Well I decided to prove him wrong, and I started a "innocent, new diet" as I called it. I decided that basketball was going to be my exercise and that I'd cut out most junk foods, and eat as health as I could and only eat dinner. Well I lost some weight of course, even though I still got picked on. Anyways, 7th grade came around, and I hit puberty. Yeah I grew taller, got a tad bit smaller, yada , yada. I was 117lbs, or fat! Though that was my lowest weight, I still looked fat! So, I hated my 7th grade year, I felt like a stupid, wild, crazy, horrible, ugly, fat, kid who no one liked to be around including my parents. At the time my mom was working a lot, and partying so I spent most of the time with my grandparents, who really never did much. I got teased, and hated by the "popular" group. I wanted to be like them, or even better than them. They seemed so perfect. I wanted to have the right hair, clothes, shoes. I wanted to make perfect grades, and a perfect person, so other would like me. Well I decided, that high school would be the change of me.
That summer, I decided to cut out even more. I didn't really realize what was going on, I mean who does. I ate A LOT more healthier, I exercised more, and lost a lot, but the number went up. Yes, I had thoughts of, your fat, you'll never be like the "popular" people, ect. I think that summer may have also been the time where I had the idea of modeling in my mind, nothing big though. Anyways, I said that high school would be a new start. To change myself. I'd be beautiful, smart, funny, quiet, and everyone would love me. Well, most of it happened, or maybe little of it. My eighth grade year, was kinda the "tester" year. I have to admit, that is when I had more knowledge and I started realizing what I was doing. That was when I started, writing down my calorie intake, exercising more and more, weighing myself, and measuring myself. I was so happy I could be this strong and in control, and no one ever suspected anything. I asked all kinds of questions in health, got extra information here and there and I felt super smart, because I was tip toeing around everyone, I felt like no one would EVER know. I also, started finding that my idea of modeling could come true, if I were MORE perfect. *Plus, that's when I found out "thinspiration" and "pro-ana" sites existed. At the end of 8th grade, I realized, my ninth grade year would be the "Perfection" year, and so it was.
The summer before 9th grade, I was working super hard. Planning out everything. My "eating issues" (as I like to call them) got stronger, and better. I loved it to death! I didn't care how bad I felt, something had taken over and whatever it was, was my addiction. I started looking, and booking "thinspiration" more, exercising(up to 3 hours), eating less( one meal a day, or at least 800 or < a day) , I became obsessed with weighing and measuring myself, checking myself in the mirror every hour, I became more secluded in a way. The first day of school, I felt stronger than ever. My first semester went by great, as it went by I would eat up to 500cals, or less a day, while playing basketball. Even once I got home for practice, I'd exercised more. I was writing EVERYTHING I ate, it got down to candy, drinks, gum, also I'd write down my exercising, weight, measurements, all that. Ninth grade was also the year, my anxiety, depression, and OCD got worse. I never was "anxious free". I worried about EVERY little thing. If something wasn't perfect to my standards( which are pretty harsh) then I'd freak out. I would get, depressed, unhappy a lot of times; Everything in anything I did had to be perfect, neat, straight. If anyone changed anything, I'd freak out. I had to get all A's (that started with my mom forcing me to, because I didn't play volleyball) and if I didn't I'd go to the bathroom and cry. I could go on, but I won't, I'll make things short.
So second semester rolls around, and that's when everything started. Teachers, "friends", coaches, nurses, and even the guidance counselors were starting to suspect stuff. They had caught on to my habits. My sugar had dropped twice, once at school, and once at home( it started when I'd eat 300cals a day). My mom would be called ALL the time. (Oh I forgot to mention, before second semester, I made the mistake by talking to the guidance counselor, about how I'd get depressed and want to kill myself, and so that started with me going to see a counselor) Anyhow, I'd always be called to the guidance office, nurse's office, ect, because something wasn't right. I do believe I had to get my "vital" signs checked, twice at school. I had an anxiety attack too in Spanish class! Anyways, people were beginning to say " She looks TOO thin", "Fragile", my coaches would say " I can't play her, because she's a zombie", or "I'm too afraid she'll pass out on the court", friends would say, "I'm worried about you, you look pale, or sad",my mom was too busy with her own life, so she believed anything I said, and wasn't worried about what others were saying. So finally, I guess it got to the point to when I'd get sick a lot, or I'd blackout that people took action. ( I forgot to mention, I had to be monitored in the guidance office one time, to make sure I ate lunch so I wouldn't pass out before a big game) So one day, the teachers/mom/gma/guidance had a surprise intervention with me. Of course you know how it goes, and so I saw my counselor more and more( I still do to this day) and that's when things went downhill. I actually started talking because I wanted people to leave me alone, well that was a BIG mistake. It was like I gave her something to come in my mind and break down my wall, that kept me from everyone. Well I didn't like it, and I still don't. Now I eat like an average FAT person. At the point in time that I was SUPERLY strong ^ I weighed around 122-125 depending on the day. Well now that I let the wonderful bitch of a counselor in my mind and let her tear down my wall, I am now a FAT 135lbs!! And I feel lost. I'm not sure what to do. Hopefully, by the end of this summer, I will be back to the almost PERFECT me:) ...
*NOTE- I do not encourage or fully support "pro-ana" or "thinspiration". I believe that "pro-ana", yes is something for people with EDs, but also is something that does encourage young girls to develop an ED who really don't know what it's like, and to think it's okay to have one because everyone does and it'll make you "cool", having an ED is not ''cool". Also, I don't like really using the term "thinspiration" it's just another thing to make it seem "cool" I will admit, I have been on pro ana sites, only to find some support from real people that talk about their real EDs. I no longer use "pro-ana" sites though, or "thinspiration", yes I have picture of skinny people, (role models) that I'd love to look like to give me encouragement, but it's nothing different then what I have had before
Btw, I forgot to mention that somewhere in between, 1st and 2nd semester in 9th grade I started cutting. Due to, my "eating issues" being uncovered. I don't like saying I have an EDs, because it's not something I'm proud of neither am I proud of cutting, but it is something that makes me feel "good" inside. Also, at one point in time, (once I was discovered) I started making myself vomit. I mostly started when I started gaining weight. It's nothing (progressive) because half the time, I don't succeed, but when I'm really upset I some how find my fingers stuck down my throat.
I mean I'm not fully "recovered" as my counselor, and others think I am because I still have my ED sick mind, that I love. It knows me more than anyone and can make me feel better. I don't want to change, because there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I could never get "too" thin, as they call it. I want to be perfect, yes, because they also want me to be perfect and I want to make that happen. I'm going in to 10th grade, and I want to make this year even MORE better than last. The only way though,first, is to some how change and throw away EVER good shitty thought my counselor has poured into my mind. My thoughts are screwed up! I have one voice telling me, things were better before everyone butted in our relationship, and another telling me "get better" well guess what, I don't like that second voice, and it's time to get rid of it! Thing is, I need to find the will power and control I had before.
