I wanna say it's going to be different.

Ha, well today was just like any other day. Horrible. I woke up this morning, and went to volleyball camp. I enjoyed the most part of that because I had some strength. I had only 70cals, and I thought maybe I could go home and do even better. Well who would have thought that I would be sitting in Hardee's parking lot eating the rest of my unhealthy, packaged lunch! No telling how much that all was together. Anyways I went to bible school afterwards and got a little work out but I was wore out from volleyball. Anyways I got home and I tried on a t-shirt I had got (size small) and I asked my grandmother how'd it fit. Well what do you know, she told me it was tight. That triggered a lot. I had a temper and was yelling asking her how, and why and she kept telling me I needed a bigger size. Of course, I broke down crying, feeling sorry for myself(as usual) and decided I was going to take a shower and cut myself until I got it through my head that I'm a fat/ugly/stupid/worthless/invisible/untrustworthy/lazy/selfish/ignorant/annoying/obnoxious/obese person and no one would ever like me, or treat me right until I was perfect. My mom then came home before I could sneak the razor from blade from her bathroom to mine, so I waited. So as the time went by, I realized that I have emotional eating issues(of course) but it's kinda the opposite. Now, I eat when ever I'm upset, instead of restricting, so my thing is trying to find a way to reverse it. Of course, I got in the shower and cut, though it didn't get that "relief" that I was looking for, I tried to tell myself, that I would continue dealing with the pain until I learned. So now I'm sitting here writing this blog, trying to think of ways to "train" myself.


I can feel my depression lurking around in my mind (if that makes any sense), but I have to admit, I love the fact knowing that it's there, and I hope, it grows. I have also realized that, coming home and going straight to my room, taking a shower and completely ignoring everything and everyone, IS the best thing ever, and is a possible way to reverse what that psychopath counselor is doing to my mind. 


Plus, I looked at myself in the mirror (unclothed) and measured myself(if I haven't mentioned that) and I am a WOPPING,


W- 25"
H- 35 1/2"
T- 20 (fat cow)"


Obviously, if I keep going at the rate I'm going I will never be perfect, simple as that!
                                                      -T
"After everyday I fail, which is mostly everyday, I say tomorrow I will take a step, and that step with be the one. I will be stronger. It will be better. I will eat less. I will weigh less. I will be perfect. Tomorrow comes, and failure is written across my back. When will it be different?" 


"I thought about suicide today. I think about it everyday. The thought gets stronger with every move I make.Every bite I take and with every pound I gain. One day, will I have the courage to take action?"