For the past few days I have been uncertain with myself, or who I even am. It's like I can be sitting in a room full of people, but I'm not "in-touch" with my body...sort of like in another world, watching what's going on around me, but not actually "there" Sounds crazy. It's a hazy fog feeling. I feel "out of place. Sometimes its like I live in another world.
Lately, I've been in a race with myself almost. Trying to see how deep I can cut or how many pills I can take, or how far to extreme I can go. Unusual. I've been thinking about going to see another psychiatrist, but then I might just end up on crazy meds or in a mental institution. Maybe that's what I need. To go somewhere and find myself again....eeeh, that's okay.
I haven't been "me" lately. I have two worlds; three really. World A, equals my fantasy world. World B, equals hell pretty much, and world C equals what my life could/should be.
I constantly stay tired. It's like I never can get enough sleep. My school work is slipping. Im starting to just stare off into another world. I think all the time, about things that I usually dont remember. It reminds me of a hypnosis or something. Right now, I feel in a "in-between" mood. Not sad, but not happy, just here, in a fog. Not only am I tired, I stay irritable too. I blow up at people all the time for nothing. Like the other day, my grandmother came in and asked me "how was school?" I competely bitched at her. I hate it. I want the "loving" life.
xoxo
-T
Friday, January 18, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
SK
Writing is good for the soul? mind? I don't see how it helps me very much considering I don't take the time out to breathe, then write before doing any "damage." Lately I have been in a worldwind of confusion. It is like my life is a tornado that continues to destroy. I have been cuttting again, not as "manic" as usual, more of calm and neat. I'm sure the different "strategies" mean something, but what do I care?
I need to touch a new topic. A topic that I have questioned lately; the "#cutting4beiber" It sure is, dumb for people to cut themselves over some immature, famous, wild, confused boy. I think it is sick. Does that sound like a hypocrite? Anyways, people don't cut themselves for some dumb reason like that.
Anyways, I have been in a tornado with myself, my emotions, thoughts, God, and the Devil. Didn't know I was a firm believer did you? It doesn't make sense, I know...trust me! I don't really understand myself. I know why lately I have been cutting, suprisingly. I had met a friend along this life journey. I will refer to her as SK. Anyways, SK and I had become seemingly close. I learned to trust again. I trusted her. I believed her, I pretty much opened up to her. We connected because it was like she knew EXACTLY everything. I had finally thought maybe things would start to work out for me. Maybe I could figure out things, find answers. I would finally have a true, friend. I have to admit she is older than me, a lot older than me, but I still "looked" up to her. So, after giving everything up and way to her....things started changing. Now might I add, she trusted me, or so it seems. She revealed to me her whole life. I grew a STRONG attachment to her, I had warned her that this would happen. Well as soon as she noticed the attachment it was like she took my whole life with her and ran. I have to say it is like I am the biggest bitch she has ever met or something...like she wants me out of her life forever.
I feel hurt, extremely. All of my life I have been set up and then let down and abandoned...and she knew that! What the fuck?!! (pardon my language) Anyways, now she treats me as though I am the lowest of all lows. How can someone change like that, become such a different person? I am hurt! She knows EVERYTHING about me...the fact that she is over 18 I am afraid that she might go and say somethings to people that shouldn't be said....but anyways...she "knew" me, and how I felt about things...and she goes and is now treating me like....I don't exist...I am nothing to her anymore...all along it was fake....I am now afraid...intimidated...hurt...scared....
I want to confront her about it, but at the same time I don't want to become an even bigger fool. She was my only friend....or at least she had me believing...she gave me hope....I can't bear this pain...I feel emptier than ever! It hurts...It hurts somewhere, it has never hurt before....And what I believe is worse is that SK knows I'm hurting, and goes on as if she knows nothing...I've hit a breaking point......
She was my first "true friend"...the first person ever in my life that had made me feel I had a purpose, that at sometime it was going to be okay...someone who cared....someone who I didn't have to pretend...and it was all fake..I am a fool and forever will be....It actually hurts more than ever before....
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I need to touch a new topic. A topic that I have questioned lately; the "#cutting4beiber" It sure is, dumb for people to cut themselves over some immature, famous, wild, confused boy. I think it is sick. Does that sound like a hypocrite? Anyways, people don't cut themselves for some dumb reason like that.
Anyways, I have been in a tornado with myself, my emotions, thoughts, God, and the Devil. Didn't know I was a firm believer did you? It doesn't make sense, I know...trust me! I don't really understand myself. I know why lately I have been cutting, suprisingly. I had met a friend along this life journey. I will refer to her as SK. Anyways, SK and I had become seemingly close. I learned to trust again. I trusted her. I believed her, I pretty much opened up to her. We connected because it was like she knew EXACTLY everything. I had finally thought maybe things would start to work out for me. Maybe I could figure out things, find answers. I would finally have a true, friend. I have to admit she is older than me, a lot older than me, but I still "looked" up to her. So, after giving everything up and way to her....things started changing. Now might I add, she trusted me, or so it seems. She revealed to me her whole life. I grew a STRONG attachment to her, I had warned her that this would happen. Well as soon as she noticed the attachment it was like she took my whole life with her and ran. I have to say it is like I am the biggest bitch she has ever met or something...like she wants me out of her life forever.
I feel hurt, extremely. All of my life I have been set up and then let down and abandoned...and she knew that! What the fuck?!! (pardon my language) Anyways, now she treats me as though I am the lowest of all lows. How can someone change like that, become such a different person? I am hurt! She knows EVERYTHING about me...the fact that she is over 18 I am afraid that she might go and say somethings to people that shouldn't be said....but anyways...she "knew" me, and how I felt about things...and she goes and is now treating me like....I don't exist...I am nothing to her anymore...all along it was fake....I am now afraid...intimidated...hurt...scared....
I want to confront her about it, but at the same time I don't want to become an even bigger fool. She was my only friend....or at least she had me believing...she gave me hope....I can't bear this pain...I feel emptier than ever! It hurts...It hurts somewhere, it has never hurt before....And what I believe is worse is that SK knows I'm hurting, and goes on as if she knows nothing...I've hit a breaking point......
She was my first "true friend"...the first person ever in my life that had made me feel I had a purpose, that at sometime it was going to be okay...someone who cared....someone who I didn't have to pretend...and it was all fake..I am a fool and forever will be....It actually hurts more than ever before....
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