....

It's 2:02am. I've never felt like this; well I haven't felt like this in awhile. All those feelings, and thoughts are coming back. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I don't really know what to say, or if there really was anything to say in the first place. I've realized that I've made one of the hugest mistakes in my life and that was trusting people again.... I hate it! Never again will I trust someone, or will I change my mind?? I know not trusting anyone is the best decision, but why will it be so hard when it comes to terms?? I've once again gotten attached to someone, trusted them, and let them become a "role-model/mother figure" in my life and then BAM!!They practically betrayed me, blew me off, whateverr you want to call it..eventually she's leaving...I just know it!!....I'm hurt...It hurts....I'm lost and alone...againn...but I think I like it this way....

xoxo
-T

Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! I know I'm a little late, sorry. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! I hate to change the mood, but my Christmas (invovling food) was.....eeeeh! I know I've gained sooo much, I'm now even more afraid to look at the scale or even measure myself::/ I looked in the mirror today, like actually looked, and bam! It hit me! I realized who I have become. A digusting, ugly, person! I look horrible, I'm embarrassed to even wear "normal" clothes. I guess I'm sticking to my sweatpants, shorts, and huge t-shirts for awhile. To make matters worse though, I have a photoshoot coming in January!!! FREAKED OUT!! I don't know how I'm going to lose the lbs!! I'm excited very much though for the New Year. New Year, New Me, isn't that what it's like every year. I do have a proposition to start dieting/restriciting again, I don't know how it's going to combine with basketball, but we'll make it work. Oh well, I will be back, I hope, till next time...
xoxo
-T

Reasons "Why"

1) Perfection
2) I'll perform better (sports)
3) Grades
4) To feel accepted
5) Modeling
6) Attention
7) Control
8) Happiness
9) Popularity
10) Beauty
11) I want to look in the mirror and not feel/look disgusting
12) Better lifestyle
13) I want clothes to come off the rack and look good on me
14) I want to feel pretty
15) I want to be loved
16) Will power
17) Strength
18) I don't want to be "average" anymore

For the new year I hope to change my lifestyle. I hope to turn things around and become "me" again. I miss the "old days" I can do this!

xoxo
-T