Not too long ago, I got out of the shower, but before that I cut myself....after I promised not to....Ha, yeah.no! Before that, my mother and I got in a fuss over prom..She called me selfish, and basically told me she was done and I always want things handed to me,yadayada..Haha...It hurts so bad. Thing is, my mom came in the bathroom and opened the curtain (thinking she was gonna find me slitting my wrist) but I had already done it...Oh well..She practically called me weak. I'm clueless now. And I'm over it. I wish I would fall asleep and never awake.
I've come to terms that everything is falling apart, because of me. I AM a horrible person, I have this feeling that God mad a mistake when he created me. You know how they say "there's always something good that comes out of something bad" well not here anyways. I have nothing in my life..."good" I can never be liked, or accepted; I'll probably never get into college; never model for a famous designer; never be perfect. Everywhere I look everyone seems to have it all. Everyone has their Dad in their lives, supporting them, they have to never worry about expenses, they make all A's like there's no tomorrow, they are quiet, skinny, pretty, talented, in their on perfect way and then I look at me and I have nothing. I let myself go. No longer do I make all A's; am pretty; skinny; "close" to perfection; liked; quiet; accepted; talented...NOTHING! I have no one..My dad is gone, and I practically don't have a "mother" just more of a "parental guardian"...
There's so much to explain, but its hard to. I just...I wish it were easy....I wish I wouldn't have to run from the pain. I don't want to cut, I feel ashamed, but I hate the pain inside. I want to be strong,but that takes strength and courage, something I don't have!..
At this point, I know the right decision, and how to fix everything, so I guess the obvious thing to do is fix it,right?
xoxo
-T
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Out of Control!
Lately, things have seem to slip away from me. I feel so weak. I have this feeling, that I have never felt before and I hate it! It's hard to explain, how I feel, I mean, its just gahh!! It's not necessarily, "Oh, things would be better without me", but it's kinda like that.
Beyond that, the fact that things, a lot of them to be exact, have changed, my life is miserable. I don't seem like the same person. Actually I'm not the same person. Before, I was this shy, quiet, soft-spoken, smart, pretty, thin, talented, responsible person, and I just don't seem or feel like it anymore. It's as if when people look at me they see a loud, fat,ugly, dumb, obnoxious, annoying, imperfect girl. I wish it weren't that way, but I just can't seem to help myself, nor change myself. I want to so bad, but it's so hard.
I want to wake up,feel fresh, free, perfect. I want to walk down the halls of my highschool, and hear things like " She's so pretty," "Has she lost weight?" "She's changed so much," "She's so sweet..." I miss hearing those things, and you know it's weird of me to say this, but I miss the stares....
I need to change! I KNOW I need to change! I HAVE to change for the better. I'm just confused. Deep down, in my mind, I'm telling myself, I can't start over, or I will never get to where I want to be because it's too late and I messed up the first time, but I KNOW truthfully, that if I stick my mind to it, and I remember ALL the GOOD things that will come, this can be accomplished. The best way I can think of starting "fresh" is doing a detox, and then going from there. So, the plan is....
After basketball season is over, I will do a detox, for atleast a week, and then start restricting, and exercising (abs,legs,ect) and then I will also need to work on my "personality", or what people think/see of me on the outside...Eeh, does that make any sense? I WILL do this...I CAN do this!
Stay Strong. Keep your head up.
xoxo
-T
Beyond that, the fact that things, a lot of them to be exact, have changed, my life is miserable. I don't seem like the same person. Actually I'm not the same person. Before, I was this shy, quiet, soft-spoken, smart, pretty, thin, talented, responsible person, and I just don't seem or feel like it anymore. It's as if when people look at me they see a loud, fat,ugly, dumb, obnoxious, annoying, imperfect girl. I wish it weren't that way, but I just can't seem to help myself, nor change myself. I want to so bad, but it's so hard.
I want to wake up,feel fresh, free, perfect. I want to walk down the halls of my highschool, and hear things like " She's so pretty," "Has she lost weight?" "She's changed so much," "She's so sweet..." I miss hearing those things, and you know it's weird of me to say this, but I miss the stares....
I need to change! I KNOW I need to change! I HAVE to change for the better. I'm just confused. Deep down, in my mind, I'm telling myself, I can't start over, or I will never get to where I want to be because it's too late and I messed up the first time, but I KNOW truthfully, that if I stick my mind to it, and I remember ALL the GOOD things that will come, this can be accomplished. The best way I can think of starting "fresh" is doing a detox, and then going from there. So, the plan is....
After basketball season is over, I will do a detox, for atleast a week, and then start restricting, and exercising (abs,legs,ect) and then I will also need to work on my "personality", or what people think/see of me on the outside...Eeh, does that make any sense? I WILL do this...I CAN do this!
Stay Strong. Keep your head up.
xoxo
-T
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