Not too long ago, I got out of the shower, but before that I cut myself....after I promised not to....Ha, yeah.no! Before that, my mother and I got in a fuss over prom..She called me selfish, and basically told me she was done and I always want things handed to me,yadayada..Haha...It hurts so bad. Thing is, my mom came in the bathroom and opened the curtain (thinking she was gonna find me slitting my wrist) but I had already done it...Oh well..She practically called me weak. I'm clueless now. And I'm over it. I wish I would fall asleep and never awake.
I've come to terms that everything is falling apart, because of me. I AM a horrible person, I have this feeling that God mad a mistake when he created me. You know how they say "there's always something good that comes out of something bad" well not here anyways. I have nothing in my life..."good" I can never be liked, or accepted; I'll probably never get into college; never model for a famous designer; never be perfect. Everywhere I look everyone seems to have it all. Everyone has their Dad in their lives, supporting them, they have to never worry about expenses, they make all A's like there's no tomorrow, they are quiet, skinny, pretty, talented, in their on perfect way and then I look at me and I have nothing. I let myself go. No longer do I make all A's; am pretty; skinny; "close" to perfection; liked; quiet; accepted; talented...NOTHING! I have no one..My dad is gone, and I practically don't have a "mother" just more of a "parental guardian"...
There's so much to explain, but its hard to. I just...I wish it were easy....I wish I wouldn't have to run from the pain. I don't want to cut, I feel ashamed, but I hate the pain inside. I want to be strong,but that takes strength and courage, something I don't have!..
At this point, I know the right decision, and how to fix everything, so I guess the obvious thing to do is fix it,right?
xoxo
-T
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