Lately, things have seem to slip away from me. I feel so weak. I have this feeling, that I have never felt before and I hate it! It's hard to explain, how I feel, I mean, its just gahh!! It's not necessarily, "Oh, things would be better without me", but it's kinda like that.
Beyond that, the fact that things, a lot of them to be exact, have changed, my life is miserable. I don't seem like the same person. Actually I'm not the same person. Before, I was this shy, quiet, soft-spoken, smart, pretty, thin, talented, responsible person, and I just don't seem or feel like it anymore. It's as if when people look at me they see a loud, fat,ugly, dumb, obnoxious, annoying, imperfect girl. I wish it weren't that way, but I just can't seem to help myself, nor change myself. I want to so bad, but it's so hard.
I want to wake up,feel fresh, free, perfect. I want to walk down the halls of my highschool, and hear things like " She's so pretty," "Has she lost weight?" "She's changed so much," "She's so sweet..." I miss hearing those things, and you know it's weird of me to say this, but I miss the stares....
I need to change! I KNOW I need to change! I HAVE to change for the better. I'm just confused. Deep down, in my mind, I'm telling myself, I can't start over, or I will never get to where I want to be because it's too late and I messed up the first time, but I KNOW truthfully, that if I stick my mind to it, and I remember ALL the GOOD things that will come, this can be accomplished. The best way I can think of starting "fresh" is doing a detox, and then going from there. So, the plan is....
After basketball season is over, I will do a detox, for atleast a week, and then start restricting, and exercising (abs,legs,ect) and then I will also need to work on my "personality", or what people think/see of me on the outside...Eeh, does that make any sense? I WILL do this...I CAN do this!
Stay Strong. Keep your head up.
xoxo
-T
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