Back to the beginning!

Well what do you know. I'm a weak failure. Ha, I wish I could stop the self pity but i guess not. So, I've realized there are a lot of skinny people in my school who also play sports in other words they are perfect. Seems like I'm becoming more lazy and fat! While everyone is getting pretty and skinny including the teachers I'm getting fat! I'm not sure what to do, I weighed myself today and I'm back where I started. It seems like my mind is somewhere else and not on the fact that I'm not supposed to be eating until after ive ate. I hate this. I seriously need to get myself together. Losing weight has never never hurt anyone. Sad thing is seeing people who play the same sports as me aren't huge. Therefore it's possible to be perfect I just need to find it in myself and fast before school starts. It isn't very hard. I was thinking about doing a no/low carb diet. Yeah, I know the effects but I don't care right now. Anything is possible. My main issue is finding the motivation to exercise on the side again after practices and diet! I'm so anxious and I have so many thoughts racing through my head that I can't write/type them all down, which is frustrating! Anyways, I WILL lose weight, I WILL lose 20+lbs! It starts today!

-T

Debating..

Hey,
So I'm in a depressive mood, I think. My cousin died a few days ago, suicide, and well I miss him. Plus I hate seeing my family hurt this bad. Considering he killed himself, because he just couldn't take it anymore( he had cancer) it has me thinking, what if things would be better off  I was dead?? So, I'm not sure what to do, not sure what's keeping me from going upstairs and getting it done. I feel like his spirit is here, fighting with me, not to do it! But I don't know. And, I'm doing horrible, with eating.I'm definitely not ready to give up on being perfect and beautiful,but right now, I'm a completely fat,ugly, disaster. And frankly, I'm ready to give up on LIFE!

Late night guilt trip, yippee!

So, earlier today there were several comments made out of "sarcasm" that I was fat and ugly! Therefor, anyone that is 125 or more is completely fat! According to the smartest person in th e world! Anyways, of course I went on a guilt trip because I shouldn't be upset because I know it's true and I yet try to change that, even though I have to before school starts. So then I commented on my friends picture trying to be nice. I said she was model material, though she's short and isn't model material( yes I lied, I was being nice!) anyways I said it mainly because she's super skinny and well that's the only thing that's keeping from being big! basically! So, now I'm on a even bigger guilt trip, and of course i don't want to eat, but I know I will because of emotions! Weak bitch! Plus I was told I needed to crawl in a hole and die. I didn't need to be told twice!

Average, No, FATTER than ever!

For the past week or so I have family in from NE. Surprisingly, I have been unusually happy, but also out of control. I have been eating like there's no tomorrow, and I mean that literally. Everything has been fine, I mean I have notice that I have been expanding, but it didn't hit me until today. But before we get into that, one of my bestest friends(one I met on some "pro-ana" site) was sent away.:( I should be depressed, but I'm not and I don't know why. Anyways, back to today. So I go shopping (something I shouldn't do) but I got 2 tops and a dress, Large. They fit me like mediums! I have NEVER been a large, WTF. Then I got a shirt in my size(Med) and it feels too tight, WTF! So, I have realized, I'm seriously getting fat. All my (big) friends are getting smaller, while I'm getting fatter. This isn't good. AT ALL! I am supposed to be a model. It's bad enough I can't do runway yet. So I figured I'd start a cleansing diet thing,too bad I don't know any and I've never done one, but what the heck. I'm starting to feel suicidal, mmmm maybe I should get it over with??? I seriously need to take action, I can't give up, I have to get ready to look my best, make all A's, and be perfect at my sports. I can't afford to lose myself. Oh I got told I have a butt, before I didn't have according to people, and now it's changed. That's Not good. Therefore, I AM getting fat and eating TOO much. God! I haven't stepped on the scale yet, or measured myself(I'm supposed to for my manager) I guess I'll lie and then get back on track.But I need to do something and FAST. As I was saying, I might cut soon because of the numbers I'll see. I seriously think I have some major binging issues. HELP!

Full of Shit*

Ha! So Happy 4th of July! I guess is  what I'm supposed to say, and seem "happy." Honestly, for the first time in a while, I felt "good" inside, like I belonged somewhere. That was only with my friends. Thing is my mother told me I was "full of shit!" And those words brought back every single "bad" thought. At that  moment in time, I didn't want to do ANYTHING, except die! I mean for someone else to say it, it's one thing, but my own mother?! So, now I have to get myself together and realize, before when I was so close to perfection, EVERYTHING was okay. And now, because I'm fat and ugly, and imperfect I'm nothing.  Also, my "too educated of an uncle" has figured out that I cut. He asked my mom if she watched me two hours after I eat, and he believes I'm "anorexic". My mom quote says " If she doesn't eat that's up to her" well last time I checked, she threatened to put me in a treatment center! WTF, freaking hypocrite. I've realized I can no longer trust people because when I do they all are taken away from me.
                                                       -T

"I'm nothing, I know! You don't have to tell me twice"

Anxiety....Thoughts

Hey,
So for the past two days, I've been really busy and really tired. I've binged and binged for FOREVER,and I'm tired of it, but it's not "binging" anymore, it's literally like emotional eating. Not sure how to reverse this whole thing. I feel disgusted with myself, and I can definitely see why no one wants to have anything to do with me. So, my anxiety is back. First, it was finding out that my closes friend, that I met on a ED website, is more than likely going to be leaving for inpatient. The news made me anxious, and kinda alone. It made me feel like, "what am I going to do!" I'll be lost, alone, again. I've realized there's no point in trusting anyone or letting anyone in, because all they do is leave me. Yes, I know it isn't her fault, but I don't want to be alone again. It's probably hard for others to understand, but we're honestly like sisters. I trust her more than anyone. Also, I've been becoming stressed out and anxious over school. Even though we have like 3 or so weeks before we go back, but just thinking about everything, and all the sports I'm doing, knowing that I will be done work a grade level up from me, driving, trying to get a car, making sure my mindset is right, thinking about making straight A's. I don't know if I can live if I don't make a good impression, make straight A's, or keep up my "personal/mind" rep. Plus, I'm having a cookout/fishing thing with my friends on Monday, for the 4th. I'm happy, no, I feel "iffy" about the situation.

Anyways, I seriously need to get myself, and my thoughts together before the beginning of school.  The one happy thing that did happen today, is the fact that I found laxatives in my bathroom medicine cabinet. Another thing that kinda almost struck an anxiety attack is that, when I go back to school, I won't have anyone there to be that "comfort" zone, because every has left, because I've what I haven't done. I can feel my OCD coming back to it's "strongest" point. Now everything has to be done once I think of it, and it has to be done in a specific order, or I will literally freak! And lastly, I stepped on the scale with ONE foot, and it read 137lbs, as soon as I saw it go up that far, I immediately stepped off. I'm taking the chance of weighing myself tomorrow, if I can. Ha,wish me luck!

                                                                         -T
The voice in my head: "Your a fat, disgusting failure. No one wants you. Your horrible, you honestly have no reason of being here. You make me sick. Everyone hates you. Just take a look at yourself, at the scale, the measurements. Everyone leaves you because your not perfect, and you never will be because your fat, lazy, don't work hard enough and are a mistake.Your mother hates you, your friends hate you, EVERYONE hates you! You have NO ONE!! Not good enough. Plain and Simple. If you died today ,no one would even notice. Your no one. You'll never be a model, a doctor nothing because your NOTHING. A piece of sh*t, that's what you are. If you were perfect, your life would be so much better, but guess what, ha! YOUR NOT!  Your a fat cow, that doesn't belong here."


The mirror: "Your fat, ugly, disgusting, weak, lazy, gigantic, imperfect."