137.

There isn't much to say here. Except that I realize that I have let myself out of control. I'm losing my mind. Nothing is right, nothing is the same. It seems as though I turn every corner and find something wrong. Lately, school has been hell. I can't seem to make things "seem" easier, (ie math,english) in other words, its as though I'm not "smart" anymore, and my mind basically is only on one thing...eat something! I hate it. I'm so distracted. I can't seem to make a descent grade(A) without failing:( I'm sure none of this makes sense, but it does to me. On the bright side I'm willing to work much harder!  Just about 10 minutes ago I was trying on clothes to what I would wear tomorrow to school, and well I must say, I'm pretty disgusting. My pants are too tight, my shirts are too little, and I just cant bear to look in the mirror. I feel like a totally different person, and I hate it. Ha, the worst part, I weigh 137 pounds. I have NEVER weighed this much in my entire life. I weigh as much as a woman that has had kids! :( I'm beyond lost. Now I know why people hate me; why things are so much harder.. I really do hate myself! Gahh!

xoxo
-T

Am I ready?

Though the title has nothing to do with the concept of this post, it was the first thing that pop into my little brain. I have numerous amounts of things that I want to say,but idk. First, I must say that I still have not been doing what I'm supposed to. I have no confidence what so ever, how can you be a model with no confidence?? I got an email from my manager, asking me when I am ready to shoot. That scares me,plus the fact that she wants me to measure myself. I am in no shape or form, to model. Am I ready?

I absolutely need to start doing what needs to be done. I need to research modeling campaigns, walks, looks,ect. Also, I need to excersise. I haven't done my pilates in ages.:( Also, I have gained tons! TONS! Today I tried restricting once more, and I'll admit I did pretty well until I ate my carbs. Ritz crackers. Worst binge food ever. Then of course I had more and more junk. Anyways, I am willing to make tomorrow a great day. I want to feel beautiful and successful again:)
Wish me luck!
xoxo
-T