I know I can do this

Deep down inside, I know, whole-heartedly, what I'm doing to myself, negatively. I know, I remember, what it felt like to be so close to perfection, and yet I refuse to use that sense of control. I know, that I have every bit of strength,determination,control, and self-will to do what I know is right. Its really not all that hard, considering its a "mind" thing. If I was able to get there before, I can do it again,right? All it takes is me. Everything is layed out infront of me, I just need to step up to the plate. I'm looking for something though, something to give me that push, but haven't I gotten enough "pushes" already? Yes! I have a interview with a modeling agent, THURSDAY!....and yet I failed to get my butt in gear! So what now? I need answers...How I'm feeling now, gross, slow, fat,disgusting, sure isn't pleasing, I want to feel "less"...I know I CAN do this, but something isn't letting me....I want to kick that wall down, and start my journey! The thing about that wall, it seems to be made out of concrete...and well, nothing I try is strong enough! So, tomorrow..oh what will tomorrow bring; another day of failure?..No, I have to think positive, and act as if I have that control and eventually it will come, right? So, I CAN do this, and tomorrow WILL be a good day:)
xoxo
-T

It hurts.....But it should!

What can I say. I'm a complete failure, and I will never amount to anything. I'm weak, imperfect, ugly, stupid, useless, fat, loud, obnoxious, worthless, eeh and the list could go on. I won't say my new year has been off to a good start because well, it hasn't. I've found a new friend, which I guess is the only good thing that comes out of it. I'm sitting here, blogging, hoping that it wil ease the pain, and make me realize what must be done, because idk...I want it sooo bad, but I can't seem to get myself in wraps! It takes 8 weeks for others to notice, and that's all that I want. I want people to know that I'm dying inside just to please them.....Or do I?? I don't know wether or not I'm doing this for me, or doing this for others...? (Please excuse any mistakes, it's hard to blog when you dont have your contacts or glasses on) Anyways, I'm a whopper, and I know it, others even know it to, they seem me! I started cutting again, and I must say, one day I just had this urge to cut, I wanted the pain....It's like a drug...Well I felt darn good, relieved afterwards, but gahh..though I wish I could just lay in bed ALL day and sob and cut til I was covered in blood, I have to get up every day, put on a fake me and go to school/practice and  "not" be myself......This sucks!

For some reason, for the first time in awhile, I wanted to die the other night....Its like, I want to cry so much, because I have all this stuck inside, but nothing comes out and it seems as if the only way to do it, is cut..but is it normal to feel disgusted afterwards?? Eeeh, idk...I dont care! I want to be something one day...Perfect...but will  I ever get there?? I could rant and rant about being this and that, but I can't change it if I dont start now!
xoxo
-T

Happy New Year!!

As I have already said above, Happy New Year!! I'm ready for 2012 to be a fresh start. I just have this feeling, the feeling I've been missing. Anyways, I'm excited because I start my diet plan of 800 a day, along with a workout.. I'm sitting here trying to not go off and binge! I want to eat all the junk downstairs right now, but I can't...I AM stronger than that! I will sit here and ponder!! Haha, I love my vocabulary:p, but anyways have a wonderful New Years day:)
xoxo
-T