What can I say. I'm a complete failure, and I will never amount to anything. I'm weak, imperfect, ugly, stupid, useless, fat, loud, obnoxious, worthless, eeh and the list could go on. I won't say my new year has been off to a good start because well, it hasn't. I've found a new friend, which I guess is the only good thing that comes out of it. I'm sitting here, blogging, hoping that it wil ease the pain, and make me realize what must be done, because idk...I want it sooo bad, but I can't seem to get myself in wraps! It takes 8 weeks for others to notice, and that's all that I want. I want people to know that I'm dying inside just to please them.....Or do I?? I don't know wether or not I'm doing this for me, or doing this for others...? (Please excuse any mistakes, it's hard to blog when you dont have your contacts or glasses on) Anyways, I'm a whopper, and I know it, others even know it to, they seem me! I started cutting again, and I must say, one day I just had this urge to cut, I wanted the pain....It's like a drug...Well I felt darn good, relieved afterwards, but gahh..though I wish I could just lay in bed ALL day and sob and cut til I was covered in blood, I have to get up every day, put on a fake me and go to school/practice and "not" be myself......This sucks!
For some reason, for the first time in awhile, I wanted to die the other night....Its like, I want to cry so much, because I have all this stuck inside, but nothing comes out and it seems as if the only way to do it, is cut..but is it normal to feel disgusted afterwards?? Eeeh, idk...I dont care! I want to be something one day...Perfect...but will I ever get there?? I could rant and rant about being this and that, but I can't change it if I dont start now!
xoxo
-T
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