So for the past two days, I've been really busy and really tired. I've binged and binged for FOREVER,and I'm tired of it, but it's not "binging" anymore, it's literally like emotional eating. Not sure how to reverse this whole thing. I feel disgusted with myself, and I can definitely see why no one wants to have anything to do with me. So, my anxiety is back. First, it was finding out that my closes friend, that I met on a ED website, is more than likely going to be leaving for inpatient. The news made me anxious, and kinda alone. It made me feel like, "what am I going to do!" I'll be lost, alone, again. I've realized there's no point in trusting anyone or letting anyone in, because all they do is leave me. Yes, I know it isn't her fault, but I don't want to be alone again. It's probably hard for others to understand, but we're honestly like sisters. I trust her more than anyone. Also, I've been becoming stressed out and anxious over school. Even though we have like 3 or so weeks before we go back, but just thinking about everything, and all the sports I'm doing, knowing that I will be done work a grade level up from me, driving, trying to get a car, making sure my mindset is right, thinking about making straight A's. I don't know if I can live if I don't make a good impression, make straight A's, or keep up my "personal/mind" rep. Plus, I'm having a cookout/fishing thing with my friends on Monday, for the 4th. I'm
Anyways, I seriously need to get myself, and my thoughts together before the beginning of school. The one happy thing that did happen today, is the fact that I found laxatives in my bathroom medicine cabinet. Another thing that kinda almost struck an anxiety attack is that, when I go back to school, I won't have anyone there to be that "comfort" zone, because every has left, because I've what I haven't done. I can feel my OCD coming back to it's "strongest" point. Now everything has to be done once I think of it, and it has to be done in a specific order, or I will literally freak! And lastly, I stepped on the scale with ONE foot, and it read 137lbs, as soon as I saw it go up that far, I immediately stepped off. I'm taking the chance of weighing myself tomorrow, if I can. Ha,wish me luck!
-T
The voice in my head: "Your a fat, disgusting failure. No one wants you. Your horrible, you honestly have no reason of being here. You make me sick. Everyone hates you. Just take a look at yourself, at the scale, the measurements. Everyone leaves you because your not perfect, and you never will be because your fat, lazy, don't work hard enough and are a mistake.Your mother hates you, your friends hate you, EVERYONE hates you! You have NO ONE!! Not good enough. Plain and Simple. If you died today ,no one would even notice. Your no one. You'll never be a model, a doctor nothing because your NOTHING. A piece of sh*t, that's what you are. If you were perfect, your life would be so much better, but guess what, ha! YOUR NOT! Your a fat cow, that doesn't belong here."
The mirror: "Your fat, ugly, disgusting, weak, lazy, gigantic, imperfect."
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